I have a confession to make.
If you've read my blog for any length of time you know that I am an ovarian cancer survivor. I was diagnosed when I was 19 when I had my ovaries removed. Well, after that I had regular check-ups every 3 months for a year, then every 4, every 5 and so on until it reached once a year. OK...so, I haven't been for said check-up in 2 years. There. I said it. It even makes me catch my breath to type the words. I know, I know, very, VERY stupid of me. Granted my cancer was 13 years ago, but regardless, I've skipped two appointments.
Why? Well, I'm TERRIFIED of going to the doctor. Not just a little afraid. Not just a little worried. Flat out anxiety ridden, no appetite, stressed beyond belief and often to the point of vomiting terrified. It's too much. I have always been this way from a little girl until now. I turn into a child at the very mention of going to the doctor. I'm not squeamish or anything like that, I'm just terrified with a crippling fear when it comes to my own health. This fear, as you can imagine, intensified immensely with a cancer diagnoses at 19 years old.
I am NOT looking for sympathy. This is my own doing and I'm ashamed of myself. So ashamed that I have made myself an appointment for next Tuesday morning at 9am. I have already cancelled it once, but I have to go to this one. I can NOT tell you how afraid I am. I have researched every possible type of cancer or other ailment that I could possibly have to determine if I have any symptoms or not (I don't). My weekend is pretty much ruined as I will be worried and fighting off anxiety at every turn. It's hard to talk to HPB and my mom (who's a nurse) as they just scold me for not going to my appointments as I should have.
I am ashamed of myself, as I was given a second chance. A chance that many people don't get. And, I find it disappointing that I would take that so lightly as to not go to my yearly exams. I'm not happy with myself, so please don't leave condescending comments. I do realize the error of my ways. So, I'm just asking, if you are a praying person: would you mind saying a little prayer for me that my fear would be calmed. This is such a big deal to me. So big that it's hard to put it into words actually. I realize that the fear is usually much worse than the outcome, but still.
K~
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
23 comments:
You are in my prayers! Poor thing, do not beat yourself up so much. Your fear is totally understandable, really. Everything will be just fine :)
Oh I understand. Your fear is only human. My sister had Non-Hodgkins and she must go to see her doc every 6 months. She goes because the alternative is something she doesn't want to face.
You have things in perspective since you have voiced your fears. You have the support of your "bloggy" readers and friends.
Will be thinking of you and praying.
You are in my thoughts and prayers! Try not to beat yourself up. Putting off the appointment out of fear is what most people do. I'm sure everything will be just fine!
I am the exact same way.
I was diagnosed with a fairly rare disease back when I was 16, and it changed the way I see the doctor forever. It brings back memories of bloodwork, needles, pills...etc etc. I still get sick about it. I have to go to the doctor once ever 3 months to have my meds checked/adjusted, and I just fear they will find something else wrong.
I find that buying something pretty right beforehand makes it better. I'm not kidding. I always leave a few minutes early and stop by the little preppy store on the way to buy a note tablet or a scarf or whatever. It puts me in a good mood, and it gives me an "I can do anything" feeling.
I couldn't be more with you on this. I work with doctors everyday and I tell patients "not to wait"...the longer you wait the harder it is to correct...and yet, I break out into a cold sweat when I have to get my teeth cleaned.
Do you ever get that "I just don't want to go! I don't want to do this! I didn't ask for this!"?? Because I know I do.
PLEASE GO. Think about how great you'll feel walking out of the office after you get the "everything looks great!"
I'll be thinking about you!! PLEASE do not skip your appointment again.
Hi pretty girl, I really understand this. I have been through something very similar and did the exact same thing. I went 2 years withouht my check up. Torture. When I finally went, I was an absolute wreck. Everything came back fine. I have to go again soon and I don't want to go, but I know I have to. This is scary ass business, you inspired me to make myself call and schedule my appt. asap.
My hugs and love are with you.
Be brave, you are a brave, strong girl.
Love,
Shasta (Bergdorf Blonde)
Bless your heart. I am so sorry! I know all about anxiety. I can't imagine how scary it is after all you have been through! But you are a brave and strong woman. You will get through this!
Go to the Junior League Holiday Market on Saturday - have a few good cocktails - dream of Clemson winning the Gator Bowl - Go to High Cotton shopping - and just enjoy your week-end.
Your bloggy friends will have you in their prayers....maybe I'll see you (and not know it) at the JLHM on Saturday or maybe at High Cotton since I am a frequent shopper.
I can totally relate to your fear and anxiety. I will be sending up prayers for you! In the meantime, take a deep breath and let it out and try to find something fun to occupy your mind. You will get though this!!
You are only human! It is completely understandable why you are terrified. Just think of the relief you will have after the visit is over. I go through it all the time, but remember they are there to *help you, not harm you.
<3 Lindsay
You shouldn't be ashamed at all. I imagine you would be anxious after what you've been through. Go and find out you're healthy!
Sending good thoughts your way!
Don't be so hard on yourself. We all have something that we fear, dread, neglect, etc. And - I will put you in my prayers for sure. Just take a deep breath this weekend, think good thoughts! And after your appt. - treat yourself!
I will say a extra prayer for you tonight....I am a anxiety queen also and can so understand what you are going through...White coat syndrome sucks. You gotta do it though, so take a deep breath and get it over with. Hope it helps to know there are others out there like you who hate to go to the doctor because of the fear of whats COULD be wrong. You are just fine and God will be watching out for you. Deep breaths -- you are fine and can do it.....Think positive....
Bless your heart! We're here for you, girl... Big prayers coming your way!
Xoxo,
Lulu
I'm glad you are going to the appointment this time. I work for a company that makes cancer drugs and I hear patient stories every day at work, so I can understand the fear you must feel. Be strong and I'll be thinking about you!
I'm so sorry and while I can't truly know what you've been through, I know how much I worry about my yearly exam and mammogram. You promise you'll go this time, don't you? We will all be praying that you'll feel more at ease.
Prayers for peace of mind and good health.
You are in my thoughts and prayers! Please post ASAP when you get news! HUGS!
~*J*~
I totally understand. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Let Girls Night Out Blog designs dress up your blog for $56, before the ball drops on New Years!!!!!!!
I started to give you all kinds of advice about thinking positive, tell yourself it's no big deal, etc. And then I erased all that because I have the same fear of the dentist. And all that crap above wouldn't help me feel any better about going. I am just so scared of the dentist that I could curl up in a ball and cry uncontrollably.
So you just have to do what I do: Man up and get it over with!
:)
I will absolutely send you my prayers to find some calm in this. I'm sure that nobody can begin to understand the fear of going through something like that unless they themselves have experienced it. So, don't beat yourself up. Just take a deep breath, know you're doing something good for yourself, and get your behind in there!! You'll feel so much better once you get it over with!
Post a Comment